Glossary of American Health Care Terms

April 17, 2019

This handy guide will help you navigate the complex American health care system.

Administration

Absolutely necessary layers of management that cost a mere 30% of national health care spending, justified by the massive cost savings achieved through management techniques like denying your claims.

Coverage

The conditions for which the insurance company has contracted to pay after an extended fight.

Death panel

It determines whether you live or die. Also known as the profit motive.

Deductible

The amount of medical expenses you have to pay every year on your own before your health insurance kicks in and begins denying your claims.

Incentives

Fake premium reductions offered by your employer in exchange for invading your privacy at an Orwellian level.

Medicare

A government run socialist insurance program that is so horribly inefficient that its administrative expenses are an unthinkable 3% annually.

Network

The overworked doctors and crowded facilities that caved into your insurance company’s low-ball reimbursement offers to become the sole providers in your plan.

Out-of-network

Claims that must be denied because the providers are not listed on a special list of special doctors and special facilities that agreed to give the members of your insurance company special health care at special prices which is the key difference that makes your insurance company so very special.

Private insurance

A capitalist insurance program that spends 30% of its funding on administration and rations care in the only morally correct way: based on how much money you have and how obedient you are to your employer, i.e., whether you still have insurance.

Policy document

A carefully drafted contract that spells out the coverage you’ll be routinely denied and the premium you’ll have to pay every month to keep having it denied.

Pre-existing condition

Your medical history.

Provider directory

A long list of doctors who no longer take your insurance.

Single-payer health care

A vastly simpler, far less crazy way to run an insurance program that costs less than private insurance and generates better outcomes where it’s been tried, but is thoroughly evil because it would erase the massive profits of rich shareholders, and because you don’t want the government managing your health care. For-profit corporations are far more trustworthy and efficient!